(I originally posted these daily on Facebook in the 40 days leading up to my 40th birthday on September 21st 2019. Some folks asked if I could compile them all somewhere and so here they are! Enjoy.)
DANNIE IS TURNING 40!
So, on September 21st I will be 40 years old and that is exactly 40 days from today, so I thought I would post something important I have learned each day counting down to my birthday. Feel free to comment and discuss. (This is also an excuse to remind y’all everyday my birthday is coming up ?) Now bask in my wisdom…
40. LOVE REFUSES EXPECTATION
We
absorb messages about what love is from everywhere the day we are
born: our parents, siblings, media, crushes, etc. Love, however, is
not limited by any expectations we put on it. Love can look like so
many things: a smile, a hand, a song, a blush, a cup of coffee, a
letter, cleaning the house, going to the store in PJs late at night,
a gross joke, a mindless task. Do not be blinded by expectation and
do not try to shove love in boxes because it does not look like you
imagined. Let go and you will see love as it is and not how you want
it to be.
39. CHOOSE HOPE OVER FEAR
My friend Kate Bullock made me a token with this phrase on it and it is so important and true. You will still feel fear, of course you will, but do not act out of fear. Choose to act with hope. Choose to believe there is some good in this world and it is worth fighting for, as Samwise says. If we don’t what is the point?
38. BE ENOUGH
“A gold medal is a wonderful thing, but if you aren’t enough without it, you’ll never be enough with it.” – John Candy in Cool Runnings
Accomplishments are wonderful, but if you can’t love yourself without them you’ll never be happy. If you measure your self-worth by how many awards or accolades you’ve won anything you achieve will never be as wonderful as it could be. Validation is important, but it can come in so many more ways than tangible awards.
37. DO ART
It doesn’t matter what kind of art, if you are “good” at it, if anyone sees it, or if you make money off of it. Art is good for the soul and no matter how or when we create art, it enriches us.
36. THE BEST APOLOGY IS CHANGED BEHAVIOR
This one speaks for itself.
35. ALWAYS LEARN/DISCOVER SOMETHING NEW
It doesn’t matter what it is. You are never too old to learn a new skill, a new fact, find a new artist you love, discover a new author, learn about a science you never knew existed (people study that?!). Why not go down the Pandora or Wiki hole? Let it help you discover something new. Poll your friends and ask them what books, movies, television, hobbies, facts they love sharing. You might find your new passion.
34. BREATHE
Whenever you are feeling some kind of intense emotion whatever it is anger, frustration, sadness, etc. Remind yourself to take three deep breaths in through the nose and out through the mouth. This at least helps you center yourself to deal with the emotion in a healthy way.
33. REVEL IN YOUR FANDOMS
Wear your geeky shirts, flaunt your book tattoos, make your fanart, write your fanfiction, hang your posters on the wall, show off your DVD collection, your signed autographs, whatever it is languish in it. Life is too short for anything else.
“Being
a geek is all about being honest about what you enjoy and not being
afraid to demonstrate that affection. It means never having to play
it cool about how much you like something. It’s basically a license
to proudly emote on a somewhat childish level rather than behave like
a supposed adult. Being a geek is extremely liberating.”
― Simon Pegg
32.
ACKNOWLEDGE AND GO FORWARD
Acknowledge your feelings and hurt. Let them pour over you and then pass. It’s okay to feel, but eventually you have to get up and go forward changed with the emotions you felt.
“I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.”
― Frank
Herbert, Dune
31. YOU CAN’T MAKE PEOPLE LIKE/LOVE YOU
As sad as it is, even if you are an amazing person (and you probably are) there are going to be people who don’t like you as much as you want them to. You are going to love people who don’t love you back. It’s hard but spend your time (your most precious resource) on people who value and love you back as much as you love them.
30. LEARN NOT TO CENTER YOURSELF UNNECESSARILY
We are humans, of course, and so we often go to our own lived-in experiences when dealing with the trauma and stress of another. We are the star of our own movies, right? But one hard thing and important thing to learn is when and how to center the person facing the trauma. It goes against a lot of what society teaches us, but it is very important for making others feel valued and listened to.
29. ASK
This one is really hard, I think. Ask for what you need and want in the best way you can. Many times the only thing preventing us from getting what we want is asking. Whether that means putting in an application or just outright asking. You won’t always get a positive answer, but I think you might be surprised at the ratio.
28. NOTHING IS ONE SIZE FITS ALL
Whether it’s clothes, advice, or life hacks not everything will fit you. Even if something does fit you, it won’t fit you the same as someone else. If I wear a shirt and my partner wears a shirt and we CAN both wear it, it still will not look the same on us and it’s okay to move on and find something that fits you better or even get something tailored to you. This goes for organizing, houses, careers, pretty much anything you can think of. Unfortunately, one of the only ways to find that fit is trial and error, but don’t be afraid to do that.
27. EVERYTHING IS NOT YOUR FAULT, BUT BE ACCOUNTABLE FOR WHAT IS
It’s hard sometimes to determine what we need to responsibility for and what we do not. It is important to take note of all the factors affecting an outcome and acknowledge which ones we are responsible for and which ones we are not. Our society tends to go to extremes in this area. Either we are guilted into taking responsibility for things we are not responsible for or we place blame on everyone else and never take responsibility. What we need to learn is to step back and examine all the nuanced influences on our lives and figure out which ones we must be accountable and responsible for and which ones we are not.
26. INCLUDE
Include people in your projects, in your conversations. Do whatever you can to amplify voices of all kinds.
25. IF YOU CAN, QUALITY IS WORTH PAYING FOR
Now, this is not a totally blanket statement. There are some things where quality will only get you so far and after that, you are just throwing your money away. However, there are items that are worth paying for quality if you can afford it. A lot of people can only buy quality for a few things if they can at all and so must budget what they spend on. Here are some things I think are worth paying for quality (feel free to add to this list): shoes, mattress, household appliances, and tech devices. Just in case you might be saving up for an upgrade. This is only if you can though. I totally understand everyone is broke these days.
24.
PREVENTATIVE CARE/MAINTENANCE IS GOLD
Bodies, cars, appliances, tech and more all need preventive care and maintenance. THIS WILL SAVE YOU SO MUCH TIME AND MONEY IF YOU DO IT! Get those checkups, get your oil changed, etc. It is so so worth it. I know this also comes from a place of privilege and we are shit and making it easy for people to do these things. This should be something everyone should be fighting for.
23. HOW PEOPLE TALK ABOUT YOU USUALLY SAYS MORE ABOUT THEM THAN YOU
Of course, if you are a terrible ist PoS you deserve it, but in general, when someone says nasty things about you behind your back, it says more about them than you.
22. ADMITTING YOU AREN’T OKAY IS THE FIRST STEP TO ACTUALLY BEING OKAY
And that’s the truth.
21.
BALANCE IS KEY
In all things. Food, exercise, sleep, etc. All things require balance.
Wow! Half-way. I honestly didn’t think I would have enough to get this far.
20. RELATIONSHIPS ARE WORK
You have to choose them. You have to build them. You have to make a conscious choice everyday to be involved in their growth. They are not easy, though entertainment might have you think so.
19. WHEN SOMEONE IS AT THEIR MOST UNLOVEABLE IS WHEN THEY NEED LOVE MOST
When someone is irritable, sad, angry, etc. and it is hard to remember love. Your own response and their pain can make it hard to be loving, but that is exactly when you need to be the most loving. This does not include taking abuse, obvs. and this is not to say you should take on an emotional load you can’t handle. It just means in that time of someone being vulnerable remember to be loving.
18. YOU MUST PUT YOUR OWN MASK ON FIRST
This one is slightly like the preventative care lesson, but it is more of a self-care bent in an emotional sense. You can’t be good for anyone if you don’t have the spoons to help them. Make sure you yourself have the energy to help them before you do. Anything else is dangerous and in fact could do more damage.
17. LISTEN
This might be the hardest one so far. Our society basically teaches how to NOT listen. We have to learn to listen. REALLY LISTEN. A lot of people think they are listening when they are not. They are just waiting for their next turn to speak. Learn to indicate you are listening in the way the person speaking knows you are listening. This can look like looking them in eye, holding their hand, a nod, believe it or not, it looks different for everyone. Finding out how they need you to hear them is part of being a good listener. Ask them what they need and it’s okay if they don’t know. Some might just want to vent, some might want advice, some might need something practical, and it is not up to you to decide what is best for them. I am still learning this one.
16. CONSENT
Is key in everything. Get consent for touching (HUGE!) always. It doesn’t matter how small or innocuous the touch is, unless you have already pre-established boundaries don’t do it. And even if you have pre-established boundaries, those could change for a person based on mood, etc. People who rail against consent always make it out to be some elaborate ritual. It does not. Holding out a hand with a questioning look is asking for consent as well as your words. Use both and it works. This isn’t just for touching either: advice, help, giving out information, and a whole host of other things. Essentially, if it involves another person in any way get consent.
15. GIVING GIFTS IS ALL ABOUT PAYING ATTENTION
Giving a gift is all about paying attention to the person you are giving it to. People make giving gifts seem like it’s really hard to figure out what to give. It’s really not if you pay attention. Listen for phrases like “Oh, I really like that” on some day when you are hanging out. “I’d really like to try…” “Someday I’d really like to get a..” Make a note of it. Ask yourself what do they spend time doing and what would someone who does those things like to have? Pay attention to the type of things they give you. Often this reflects the type of gifts they would like to receive. If all else fails: Ask. Seriously. Most people appreciate somebody who cares enough to ask what they would like instead of just guess.
14. EDUCATION IS NOT ABOUT LEARNING FACTS
It’s about learning how parse information. How to critically think. How to sort through data. The very last part of it and the least important is learning facts. You can get those from Google.
13. THERE IS NEVER ENOUGH TIME
There is never enough time to spend time with loved ones, create, laugh, and all the other things that make life worth it. Remember this when you are planning your time or asked to do things. Choose wisely.
12. NO ONE SHOULD GO WITHOUT FOOD, SHELTER HEALTH CARE, OR EDUCATION
This should be provided for every human by all of us working together to do it. That is all.
11. YOUR FEELINGS ARE VALID
They are. Even if you feel like they might be illogical, unfair, or bad. They aren’t. You should allow yourself to have them. What is not okay is acting on them in hurtful ways and/or letting them fester and never letting them pass.
The Final Countdown!
10. PROCRASTINATION IS NOT A TIME MANAGEMENT PROBLEM
It’s an emotional management problem for me most of the time. This is, of course, not universal. I am sure there are all kinda of reasons procrastination happens that are not emotional management, however I find this is true for me a lot. If I am staring at the screen or task and just can’t do it. I discover 99% of the time it is because there is some emotion I have not dealt with preventing me from doing the task. Until I deal with that emotion I will not complete the task. Maybe this might help you the next time it happens to you!
9. WORK TO LIVE
We are meant to work and be productive so we can all benefit. We are not cogs in a machine. The system serves us, not the other way around. It is meant to bring us comfort and happiness so we can enjoy our short lives. Nothing else.
8. BEING SPIRITUAL IS IMPORTANT
I think this is the one that is the most individual and least applicable to everyone. For me, being a spiritual being is important to me. It makes me feel grounded, part of something bigger than myself, and gives me that feeling of specialness and etherealness I really love. It’s not very everyone. I am just saying in my years here on Earth it is important to me to walk the Wiccan Way. It helps keep me excited and into life. I hope you have something, anything, that does the same for you.
7. SOCIETY PROFITS OFF SELF-HATRED
The clothing,fashion, health, and so many other industries rely on you hating yourself to sell their products. “You’ll look better if you wear our clothes.” “You’ll be sexier if you wear our makeup. I found myself much happier when I realized this. It gives a frame of reference so you can bat the insecurities away.
6. LITTLE THINGS CAN HAVE A BIG IMPACT
Holding a door, complimenting a shirt, sharing a bit of your dessert, saying hello, asking a question, sending a how-are-you-text, or any other small thing can have a huge impact on someone’s mood or day. You can make someone’s life a thousand times better with the littlest thing. Do them as often as you can!
5. PEOPLE/EXPERIENCES ARE FACETS OF YOUR CRYSTAL
So, picture your soul/essence, whatever you would like to call it, as a crystal. Every person you meet and everything you do and everything that happens to you shapes that crystal. They create a facet, a plane, on which the light of yourself reflects across through to the universe. This thought helps me remember how unique we all are in so many ways. It helps me be compassionate because I do not know all the facets of someone’s heart and can never know them all. Each person’s light shines across the universe in different ways. The good, the bad, the ugly all come together to shape your crystal and no matter what that light is beautiful. That is worth remembering.
4. IT’S HARD FACING YOUR TRUE SELF
Sometimes
we learn things about ourselves we don’t like. We have a perception
of ourself and anything that shakes that is difficult to accept, but
we must be willing to examine ourselves if we are ever going to grow.
Engywook:The
worst one is coming up, next is the Magic Mirror Gate. Atreyu has to
look his trueself in
the face.
Falkor:
So what? That won’t be to hard for him.
Engywook:
Oh, that’s what everyone thinks! But kind people find out that they
are cruel. Brave men discover that they are really
cowards! Confronted with their true selves, most men run away,
screaming!
–
The Neverending Story
3. DONE IS BETTER THAN PERFECT
Getting a project done is better than making sure it’s “perfect” whatever that means. You can edit and improve on done, but you can’t do anything with nothing. This is something I have to keep reminding myself of all the time.
2. WATCH YOUR WORDS
We say things without thinking that can have a huge impact on someone’s life, health, and happiness. Always consider the three rules of speaking. Is it kind? Is it wanted? is it helpful? If it is none of those things then don’t say and consider things from another angle.
Almost
there! There will be a special birthday lesson tomorrow! Stay tuned!
1. NEED WITHOUT SHAME
My husband uses this a lot and it is an important lesson to learn. We all have needs of varying kinds and society teaches us that is wrong. It’s ok to need. Don’t be ashamed of it. You’re human.
The final extra lesson on my birthday?
I LOVE YOU!
It’s true. I love you. Whether as a friend, colleague, acquaintance, or any other way I know you. You all have made me who I am in some way and helped me to get to this birthday, so thank you and I love you.
